Thursday, January 31, 2008

Is it Jessica Alba's Fault That Eminem Is Fat?

A while back I'd heard that Eminem had a crush on Jessica Alba.
That bummed me out.

And that bitch didn't even realize how lucky she was that he noticed her.
That bummed me out. And she doesn't know who D12 is, is she retarded?

Jessica Alba didn't go out with Eminem.
I wonder if that bummed him out...

All the guys LOVE her. She's so ladylike and pretty.
Look how much fun she is having in this picture.

But wait, look again... and see how much fun the audience is having:

That is the most fucking bored audience ever.

Don't be sad Marshall!
Jessica Alba is not good for you,
she's a sleeping pill
in heels.

Is Eminem fat due to the "Jessica Alba Curse"?

Did she put a curse on Eminem that keeps him from going to the gym...???
I think she did.


Sexy actress JESSICA ALBA was stunned when she learned EMINEM had rapped about her on a track - because their only meeting was a brief, awkward moment in a gym.

The SIN CITY star, who Eminem calls his "wife-to-be" in his D12 collaboration MY BAND, was looking for her director pal BILLE WOODRUFF when she bumped into the rapper.

She says, "Eminem was in a gym, boxing or something, but I thought my best friend was in there. I come barrelling in all heated because I can't find Bille, and it's like five big dudes, Eminem and an empty gym.

"Everyone stopped. I was trying to act all casual, looking around this small gym that my best friend obviously wasn't in. Then I just left. That was the only encounter I ever had with him."

Jessica was 'trying" to act casual
because she was actually there
on the very serious business
of perpetuating the
yawn yeilding
sleep inducing
status quo
and paralyzing the revolution
with her politically correct pussy.

Yesterday Kuniva tried to pull a knife on me
Cause I told him Jessica Alba's my wife to be.

50 told me to do situps to get buff
Did two and a half and then couldn't get up.

Girl why can't you see your the only one for me
And it just tears my ass apart to know
that you don't know my band.

Artist: Eminem & D12
Album: D12 World
Song: My Band

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Tuesday Toon - Does Eminem Still Like Comics?

A dad and his family were at Disneyland.
They were taking a picture with Tigger
and the Tigger slapped his teenage son
upside the head and kind of choked the kid
in a headlock.

It was caught on the family video cam.
Mom didn't even stop filming
but the dad decided to sue.
It was a big crisis.
It was a crisis in a world
in real crisis.

Both the reporters
who broke the news to me
are named Chris
and one of them
was pregnant.
This is what I drew to cope
with the fact that the news
is total bullshit
and the people who deliver it
are puppets.

Eminem taught me
to put my frustration
with society
into my art.

Stop the tape!
This kid needs to be locked away! Get him!
Dr. Dre, don't just stand there.
I'm not ready to leave,
it's too scary to die.
Fuck that!
I'll have to be carried inside the cemetery
and buried alive.

- Eminem, My Name Is

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Is Eminem Depressed? Who Wouldn't Be!?

Sometimes I ask myself, "what's the point of making art?" How can art help the world? Well, making art will keep me busy, and that is a good thing for society. Eminem taught me to keep my crazy ass busy and out of trouble. Thank you Eminem.

I dont know why this world keep turning
Round and Round
But I wish it would stop, and let me off right now

Yes man
As the World Turns
We all experience things in life
Trials and Tribulations
That we all must go through
When someone wants to test us
When someone tries our patience

As the World Turns
These are the days of our lives
These are the things that we must go through
Day by day

- Eminem, As The World Turns

Here is a comic strip about the end of the world.
Maybe Eminem will read it and laugh and feel better.

Bush Vs. The DoomsDay Clock - Who Will Win?

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Day Late Dollar Short

Yeah yeah yeah,

so sue me.


I'm just too drunk and high to comment further.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Look At The Bright Side, My Life is Full of Empty Promises and Broken Dreams

This song is dedicated - to all the happy people
All the happy people - who have real nice lives
And who have no idea what it's like, to be broke as fuck

That's Rock Bottom - when this life makes you mad enough to kill
That's Rock Bottom - when you want somethin bad enough to steal
That's Rock Bottom - when you feel like you've had it up to here
Cause you mad enough to scream but you sad enough to tear

We see them dollar signs
and let the cash blind us
Money'll brainwash you
and leave yo' ass mindless.

My life is full of empty promises and broken dreams
I'm hopin' things look up; but there ain't no job openings
I feel discouraged, hungry and malnourished
Living in this house with no furnace, unfurnished
And I'm sick of workin dead end jobs with lame pay
And I'm tired of being hired and fired the same day
But fuck it, if you know the rules to the game, play
Cause when we die we know we all going the same way.

- Eminem, Rock Bottom

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Eminem Is My Lord & Savior!

When I pray to Eminem now, I put on his music, draw and think,

" Please, Eminem, My Lord! My Fat Angry Brilliant "Jesus"! Give me the strength to get through this shitty crappy day to a better, happier, shinier day. Please give me the patience I need not to kill everyone who makes me crazy. Please let me see my own hypocrisy and cure it! Please let me see the humor in this hell we call life!!!"

You're the ink to my paper
Where my pen is to my pad
The moral, the very fiber
The whole substance to my rap.
You are my reason for being
The meaning of my existence
If it wasn't for you
I would never be able to spit this
These sentences I do wit me I am me
Is you rely on me as much
as I rely on you to inspire me like you do.
You provide me the lighterfluid to fuel my fire
You're my entire supply
Gas, the match, the igniter.
The only way that I am able to stay so stable
Is you're the legs to my table
If you were to break I'd fall on my face.

Artist: Eminem
Title: Crazy In Love
Album: Encore
Year: 2004

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Lose Yourself! ~ How Eminem Helped Me Lose My Fat Ass

When I was working for the Dave Chappelle show, I was a size 12. (I'm only 5 ft. tall) One day I heard Eminem was going to be on set. I was SO EXCITED until I remembered I was a BIG FAT-ASS. My heart broke.

So, I never went to set that day. I didn't want to meet Eminem when I felt fat and ugly. It's sad how being overweight makes us feel so badly about ourselves that we don't do the things we have dreamed a lifetime of doing! I decided that I had to lose weight ASAP. If my life was going to be any fun I needed some fucking self-esteem AND If my life was gonna bring me near my hero Marshall Mathers ever again I wanted to look hot!!

Maybe the way he saved me from being a sad fat ass
can save him from being a sad fat ass.

Below, The Founder of Potlates getting ready to work out:

Working out to Eminem put me back in a size 2!
Thanks Marshall! Thanks Dr. Dre!

Monday, January 21, 2008

How Can I Save Eminem When I Can't Save Myself?

This blog is here
because I have been depressed
since I heard Eminem is really sick
with pneumonia and heart problems and weight gain.

His music has kept me alive.

Hold on a minute...
I need to test this blog and see if I can get images up to tell the story of how
Eminem, Marshall Mathers, and Slim Shady
became my heroes...

Awesome the internet works.

Fact #1
If it wasn't for Marshall Mathers my movie collection would be totally gay. See proof above.

Fact #2
I have two guitars because if I ever meet Eminem I want to be able to say, "I am a musician too!"

And I wanna serenade him and sing him a love song ~ but I can't even play.

Well I can play the drums but it is hard to serenade a man with a loud ass drum kit between you.

Eminem has been a lifeline to me in my personal life and in my career.

Fact #3
I keep this Rolling Stone cover in my printer whenever I am not printing:

It is my shrine to the master lyricist.
I don't let anything bullshit come out of this printer.

Marshall get better or I will just lose it!

When I work out I imagine Eminem is my personal trainer.

I am gonna write something here
until he is better
because it's all I can do,
because I am a loser.
I can barely keep my shit together
without praying to someone
I don't even know.

He is my Jesus.
And my Jesus got fat.
And I need to save him
so I don't get fat
because the only reason I got in shape in the first place
is because I wanna look super fucking hot
the next time I have a chance to meet him.
And if he is gonna hide in his house
it will never happen.